Intimacy

Being completely honest, I have been putting this update off for weeks. I have been walking through one of the most difficult seasons that I have ever faced. On top of all that, I felt like God was using this circumstance to reveal and cut out some rotten roots that I have let eat at me for years. All that to say, I have been mulling over how to share some of these delicate and intimate struggles that I have been facing. So as usual, this is going to be a long one! Many decisions have been made in the past month that I thought I would never face, but here I am, alive and daily regaining more and more of my identity in Christ.

Normally I wouldn't choose to share what I am about to share over a blog because written words often fail to communicate the emotion and depth of the situation, but I feel like it's important so that you can understand where I am coming from. The short and simple version of the story is that Tyler broke up with me in January and also felt it was best to step down from Project Sixty-One. To put it simply, this caused me to need to re-evaluate a lot about myself and a lot about Project Sixty-One as a ministry.

Jumping ahead, God began to do something incredible and yet so extremely painful in me that at some points I have been literally crying out to Him to stop because I'm not sure if I can handle it. But I was, and still am, reminded of His grace and sweetness, giving me only what I am able to handle in the moment. Let me back up and say that for the past year I have been asking God to reveal more of His intimacy to me. As God is infinite in character I have always felt a little funny asking Him to reveal aspects of being a Lover to me. I think I had somehow talked myself into believing that it was a little obscene to ask God to be my Lover. As I am writing this, it's hard not to chuckle at myself because by putting up that barrier, I was missing out incredibly.

This intimacy with Him has caused me to feel like I am standing in a room full of people without any clothes on! It frankly is uncomfortable, it feels strange, and yet I know it's good because the peace and wholeness that I feel can only come from my Father. As we can relate with human relationships, intimacy causes your real self to be fully present. It is hard to hide behind things when someone knows everything about you. Of course God is God and has and always will know me better than I know myself, but my desire to know Him more has caused what I can only describe as this tangible tension. To put it in silly spiritual terms, I feel like I can actually feel my flesh fighting my spirit. To be honest I hate this because I want my whole heart to be God's. But here I am stuck in this fallen world where second by second I am faced with decisions that often prove me to be selfish, angry, stubborn, and prideful. Thank goodness that God is a God of second, third, and millionth tries!

All this warring within my heart and head has brought me to this place of surrender. I have been able to lay down some insecurities, some selfish desires, some mistakes, that I have been struggling with for years. God has shown me that some of my insecurities have made some deep roots. To find these roots I am having to revisit some really painful experiences that have happened years ago and are long over, so I thought. Being the good Lover that He is, God has held me close while I journey back into these dark places. The best part is, with every root I pull out, He replaces it with unconditional love and healing.

For the past six weeks I have been basking in God's love. I wish words could paint a better picture of where my heart is at, but I am full of joy that has been lacking in me for a long time. I have truly been able to understand that God doesn't care about how fancy the ministry I am doing is, He doesn't care about all the plans I have made for the year, He doesn't care about how many good deeds I have accomplished today, but what He does care about is me. Plain and simple God just wants to be in constant relationship with me. Of course He gets excited when I move forward in the giftings He has given me and He rejoices when I am able to share Him with others, but ultimately He just wants all of me wanting all of Him. If that is first, everything else works itself out because I have made Him first. I don't have to strive, I don't have to control, I don't have to have all the answers, because if my eyes are on Him that is the best place they can be. He can be in control, which He is far better at than I am anyway. I know this sounds so basic, but this is the first time I feel like I've grasped it. Believe me when I tell you that the joy and freedom I feel are so real to me, I am blown away by my Maker!

I have been spending some much needed time re-evaluating why I felt called to come on staff here with YWAM as well as why I felt led to start this Project Sixty-One ministry. I have let God show me the process He took me through to get me to this place and He has begun to show me that He has used all of these painful, heart wrenching experiences to show me His goodness, faithfulness, and love for me. Which brings a whole new light to the verse in Jeremiah that says, "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

Although we make lots of plans for ourselves, God often has a way of stepping in and changing every single one of them! So I wanted to share some of the things that have changed. Forgive me as I transition into being a little more factual and informational.

As far as Project Sixty-One goes, I feel like God is still calling me to press on with this ministry. This is difficult after losing all the other staff that have been a part of it with me for the past year. But I know that God knows what He is doing, and if there is someone else that He has in mind to come alongside me and help, then He will send that person. So please be praying with me about this! I have been seeking God about the direction of the ministry as well, and feel like He has been showing me that I have limited myself by only doing the things I feel comfortable with. Therefore I am going to start stepping out in areas that I have a heart for but have always thought were too risky or that I was ill equipped to handle. One of these areas would be to lead medically focused outreaches. Of course these would not be in disaster situations, but would be focused on taking both medical professionals and everyday Joe's and setting up small clinics for a week or two. These clinics would focus on optometry, basic wound care, dental, vaccinations, and health teachings about preventing disease. This has been a lifelong dream of mine and so I am really excited to see what happens with it! I have been contacting some churches that I have personal relationships with to see if I can "shadow" them in their missions programs that focus on medical so that I can gain some field experience. As opportunities unfold with this, I will keep you guys posted.

My next piece of exciting news is in regards to RescueNet. As you know RescueNet is a ministry of YWAM which is a group of certified disaster relief first responders. I was able to be a part of the training course this past October in San Francisco which was phase one of three phases that I must complete to become a certified member. I am now onto phase two of becoming certified, which means that I will need to help staff the next training course which is this October in Salem, Oregon. The final phase is a deployment to an actual disaster where my skills and overall performance will be evaluated. Upon completion of all of these phases I will be certified! Being a part of RescueNet does not in any way replace or take away from my involvement with YWAM Pismo Beach. It simply is in addition to the work I already do here.

As you can see, there is a theme rolling through these things! God has given me a huge heart for missions and medical. Even as a little girl I always wanted to do these things in combination with one another. There is something about helping people in their most desperate situations; I believe it opens doors to share Christ with those that otherwise would be uninterested. It also is a tangible way to cross cultural barriers. It lets me use my hands and my skills to bring healing and love which often speaks louder than words.

This leads me to my next adventure! I have been praying about furthering my training in the medical arena so that I am more equipped in disaster relief as well as more equipped to lead medically focused outreaches with Project Sixty-One. I have been researching EMT schools in our local area to see if that would be a possibility. I have found one in San Francisco that is a bootcamp style. This means that what you would normally learn in a semester, you learn in five weeks! It is a highly intensive class that throws you into the material and then gives you hands on scenarios as well as ambulance and emergency room time. Upon passing the class you then take your national registry exam that certifies you in all 50 states! The class begins June 23 and ends August 3, so in the months to come I will be support raising for it as well as keeping you posted!

In the near future Project Sixty-One will be leading a team of 12-17 year olds on a outreach to San Francisco. We will be focusing on human trafficking and homeless ministry in the city. I am really excited about the outreach and know that God has some exciting things in store for these young people! Please be praying for this outreach, as I am the only staff member outside of their youth leaders, it is a lot of work to put together and takes a lot of energy to lead!

YWAM has a yearly conference for all of the North American bases to get together and worship, learn, and share what has been happening at each of our bases. This year the conference is in Flat Rock, North Carolina and RescueNet is wanting to have members there to share about what we do as a ministry. So I will be attending that and am excited to connect with other bases and learn all that God is doing throughout YWAM in North America!

Whew! That is a lot of news and insight into my life! Hopefully not all of it was boring! I wanted to finish with one last story. There is indeed a reason behind why I posted a picture of a rock in my hand! I had the chance to spend a weekend away with God. For those of you that are familiar with California, there is a little town called Mendocino up along the coast north of San Francisco. Lucky for me, there is a beautiful YWAM base there that has lots of cabins on it. As a part of their ministry they rent these cabins out for people to stay in. They have one cabin however, that is meant for prayer and fasting and is free to people who work in ministry, which is an awesome blessing. All this to say I packed up my little Saturn and headed the eight hours up the coast to this beautiful place.

There is a beach in this town that is known as Glass Rock Beach. The story behind this place is that several decades ago people dumped a bunch of garbage in the ocean, now I'm not talking about your normal garbage but more like whole entire cars were thrown into the ocean. After all these years of water pounding down on these cars and other huge objects, they have begun to fall apart. So all of this glass and metal is rubbing against each other, and rubbing against sand, and being pounded down by water. When it finally washes to shore, it is smooth and round like rocks. This beach is supposedly full of these rocks, but the bummer thing is that I looked and looked and couldn't find this beach. I was so bummed because I wanted to see this amazing phenomena. So I settled for the closest beach I could find and began trekking through all of these inlets; as the tide kept getting higher and higher, I realized if I didn't make my way back quickly I would soon be swimming! As I was jogging out, something caught my eye. It was this one small rock, clearly glass which edges had been rubbed smooth. I had this simple but awesome picture as soon as I picked it up and I knew that God had to be speaking to me. I felt the impression that the rock was a good representation of my life. Once jagged, sharp, and untouchable, God washed, cleaned, restored, and refined to make something beautiful of me. And for the first time I can say that I see that beauty. For as He promised, He always makes beauty out of ashes.