New Beginnings

This season has been one of the most difficult and yet one of the most amazing. I have experienced God and His intimacy in far greater ways than I ever have. I have been stretched to the point of breaking, but God has been there every step of the way shaping and refining my character. I have clung hard to Jeremiah 29:11, "'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the Lord, 'and I will bring you back from captivity.'" I feel that God has brought me out of captivity, captivity being my selfishness, my pride, thinking that I have certain rights, my desire to have control over so many areas of my life, and the list goes on.

In this time that my heart has been so broken I have had to be so desperate for Him. I had to make a choice between choosing life and choosing death. And in this decision making process I realized that for so long I had been choosing death. I was conforming to the patterns of the world, telling God that I had things under control, that I could do things better, that my ways were higher. But in one moment where I felt that I had lost the thing that meant the most to me, I had a choice. God spoke so tenderly to me in that moment and told me that He was the God who created the mountains, the one that set the boundaries to the oceans, the one that commands the sky to open up and rain, the one that made the birds that fly and the lion majestic in his strength and power, the one who made me in my intricate design, the one that commands my lungs to continue breathing, the one that spoke my very life into existence and knows my days before they even happen. For the first time I understood what it means to fear the Lord. Not in the judgement or hell sense, but fear the being that holds me and you and the world in place, I caught a glimpse of His greatness, a glimpse of His majesty. I realized that if this God can love me despite my flaws and imperfections, than this God can also heal my broken heart. This God knows the rest of my days and has a plan and a purpose for them.

Why is it that the choice to hand my life back to Him, the life that was never mine to control in the first place, is a choice I am having to constantly make? I think it's hard because it means admitting that we need God so desperately, it means admitting that we have no real control over any circumstance in our lives, it means having incredible faith in an unseen God. If truly choosing God was a walk in the park, we wouldn't pursue any sort of love relationship with Him. We wouldn't understand our need for Him.

I have had to learn daily what it means to die to myself. Sometimes I feel prompted to ask God even about the ridiculous things like where I should eat lunch today. Now I know that God probably doesn't care all that much about where I eat lunch, but the fact that I am pursuing Him even in the small things is so pleasing to Him. I have come to this place that my hunger and need for Him is desperate, like a small child needs a parent. I have lived so much of my life thinking that I know better, but what if I were to let the God of the Universe direct my life? I can say with confidence that He has more in store for me than I ever could for myself.

If you have a few moments read Job chapters 38-42. Here we see God explain His majesty, He lets us know that we should revere Him. When I need a reminder that I am not the center of the universe I often read these chapters. At the same time I gain a whole new perspective of God's intimate love. Because knowing that the God that created the mountains and the seas is one thing, but believing that He did and believing that it is that same God that loves us deeply is something totally different. Know that He loves you today and that the King of Kings has a hope and a future for you.