I am in an interesting place as of late, one that I can't say I usually stay in for so long. And yet, here I am, several months into being consistently bitter and angry. At what you might ask, well yes, there are some specific things I can pinpoint, but I am ever quick to resort to anger at the drop of a hat for no apparent reason.
When I'm angry I don't explode outwardly, I am pretty good at holding back, but inside, I feel like I am holding onto a monster, one that is rearing his ugly head and breathing fire. Now I struggle with admitting to these type of feelings because I feel like many Christians have gone out of their way to tell me that I need to pull it together, I need to let it go, I need to fix it. But wasn't Jesus angry once in awhile? Yes, His anger was righteous, it was a secondary emotion that occurred because He loves us so deeply. But, as I am His, made in His image, I think it's ok to feel emotions. Not to drown in them, not to be consumed by them, but to feel them and work through them.
I am a pretty emotional person, I have been told I feel too deeply, that I need to grow some tougher skin. But I can honestly tell you that I don't grow much when I am content and just head over heels loving life. The seasons that I look back on that were the most incredible for growing deep roots, were those that I felt things, deep things, things that still make me wince when I think back on them. You know why? Because it was then that I knew that without God, I might literally crumble to ashes. It was in that moment that I understood that God literally gives me every breath, that life without Him is so incredibly pointless, it's like wandering around alone in a desert.
So, in this world, that is all about the now, I have begun to see that people are quick to get over everything and fast, because if you aren't living the happy life of the rich and famous, you must be a nobody. So we learn how to shove things under the proverbial rug, our hearts become cold, and we become distant to everyone and everything. We all become humanitarians, we do enough to feel good, and then we stop because we don't want it to cost us anything.
My heart breaks when I look around and see so many people that walk around with sky high walls around their heart. And then I think about myself, I have been hurt deeply, wounds that seem to always keep on bleeding, and so I have too become a master at resurrecting thick, hard, walls with barbed wire on the top.
And then I am reminded that love is one huge risk. To love and be loved is actually the most terrifying thing on the planet. Because the true definition of love is the one that Jesus gave, He came and died and rose again because He loved us so incredibly, knowing full well that so many would spit in His face and say they hate Him. I have spat in His face more times than I can count. He sacrificed everything. And even then, sometimes I turn my back.
So here I am. Living in a season where I am angry, trying hard to figure out why, to let myself ride with it and not shove it somewhere. And why? Because I don't want to be that girl that can't love sacrificially like I'm called to, I want to be that girl that gives and gives and risks and loves, knowing that ultimately, it doesn't matter if it's reciprocated or not.
Because I was called to love. Mark 12:29-31, “The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”